veryone likes a good fish story because there’s just enough fact to make us believe. Good stories usually start with fact. But as they’re told a bit of fiction is weaved in until the right mix of humor, fear, drama, suspense, etc. is reached to entertain the audience. It’s why we read books, see plays or go to the movies. Entertainment has to be above real life- or it wouldn’t entertain. There’s not much of a story in sitting idly on the beach improving your tan lines, but throw in a whale sighting or a Great White chomping and presto, you’ve got a story to tell! Fiction reigns over reality simply because it packs those bits of life we all experience from time to time that is extraordinary into one extraordinary event after another. The dialogue is more witty and intelligent, the characters beautiful and engaging, the backdrop stunning. We know we are being lied to and we love it.

For the first time in 5 years of sailing we’re meeting quite a few other boats that are owned and sailed by young people. This is incredibly refreshing and unfortunately rare. Most “cruiser’s” as we are called, are retired. This is not so hard to understand. Sailing is expensive and time consuming. Retired people tend to have money and plenty of time. People who are sailing and not retired are either crewing and broke, trust-funders going broke, or just broke and eeking out some way of trying to get to the next port. We are in the latter category. It then follows that in a sea of conservative ‘blue hairs’, as my father calls them (he being one himself) that we don’t always fit in. But I am happy to report that on a recent occasion a group of us like minded youthful sailing miscreants got together to usurp the truth and fabricate some fanciful sea shanties.

Here are some of my favorites (all true of course):

Chris and Emma, on “Hi Lo Yo” (they made their money on the stock exchange) were recently anchored in Suva, on the main island of Viti Levu in Fiji. One morning Chris woke up to release a bit of pressure on his bladder and found a rather large striped sea snake taking a nap near the head. This was rather curious considering Chris and Emma live on a yacht with no easy access to the cockpit, let alone belowdecks. Chris spends a good deal of his time jumping out of airplanes, wandering the jungles of Panama and Venezuela with armed rebels, kitesurfing remote areas (all good stories in themselves); which is to say, Chris is not easily shaken- but a sea snake in the head took him a bit off guard. After ascertaining that Emma wanted nothing to do with the capture of the stowaway Chris logically called the authorities and asked what should be done and if they were dangerous. It turns out that sea snakes are something along the line of 10 times more lethal than the most deadly land snake there is- the Taipan, a.k.a. the Common Brown, a resident of Australia. One bite and you’re a goner. Luckily, Chris was informed, sea snakes have very small mouths and can only bite you between the fingers or on your ear lobe. All he had to do was “grab him by the tail and throw him overboard”, says Mr. Authority. Chris says to Emma, “OK, this is no worries. All I have to do is grab the most deadly snake in the world by the tail with my HAND- which is the only place other than my ear that the snake can kill me, and throw him overboard.” Turns out the snake overboard throwing incident went quite well after finding a bowl the size of a large trash can to use as a medium for snake transfer. But then much to Chris and Emma’s horror, the snake simply spun a 180 and slid right back to the boat, slithered up the aft steps and went right through their aft cabin hatch which lies directly above their heads while sleeping. This meant that sometime in the middle of the night this friendly little critter actually SLID right over their heads. Which is of course the only other place…

We have an English friend named Nick who’s married to a dutch gal named Nancy (no relation to the Sex Pistols) who came on as crew for Nick some 8 years ago. They fell in love, she got pregnant and they now have a beautiful 6 year old daughter who’s spent her entire life afloat on a boat they call “Tank Girl.” Nick and Nancy are a bit more reserved than they once were with child in tow, but they are still what I would call free spirits. One of Nick’s favorite pastimes is shooting potatoes at passing yachts with his double barrel potato gun. They are a very interesting and entertaining couple. With typical English wit Nick recently told us the story about three friends of his who last year bought $1000 dollars of duty free booze and $500 dollars of fireworks for their sail from Fiji to New Zealand. This passage is typically about 8 days. That’s $125 dollars of hard liquor per day, or about a bottle and half of hard spirits per person. Yachts making this passage almost always check in nightly with Russel Radio, a volunteer radio station in New Zealand that monitors the progress (or lack thereof) of yachts departing and entering New Zealand waters. Nick was on passage at the same time (on his yacht) as his intoxicated mates and he remembers each night laughing hysterically each time they checked in. Apparently everything they said was complete drunken gibberish and there was always the clear sound of explosives in the background. I imagine a conversation something like this:

Russel Radio: “Station calling Russel Radio, can you please repeat your position, I am having trouble making your call?”

Drunkards: “Yipppeeeeeeee Ki Yay. Did uuuuuuu hear dat? Dat dere was a wallllooooop of a fuddrucker. BANG! Jimmmmy- where where where are we? I think it’s the Pacifist ocean. Hold on I will chhheck.”

Russel Radio: “Station calling Russel Radio, can you please repeat that, we must be having trouble with propagation. I thought you said you were in the P A C I F I S T Ocean…”

And so on.

Apparently about 50 miles from land this inebriated trio woke up at about 10 am after a rather ‘explosive’ night. No one knew whose watch it was, or who was last on watch, or that land was just over the horizon. The only sail up was the mainsail, waffling around about mid-way up the mast. None of the crew could remember if the last maneuver they were doing was putting the sail UP, or taking it DOWN.

I now have a good story to tell my crew when they fall asleep on watch.

Vampire bats. We know of a couple that was sailing off the coast of Venezuela a few years back. She detested insects, he detested heat (it’s either that or he detested sleeping with her- these things often get left behind in the telling of a story). So each night she would enclose herself alone in her cabin, sealed in with bug screens. He would sleep uncovered and naked on deck. On one fateful evening SIX vampire bats got into her cabin and bit her, leaving him completely unscathed. Vampire bats rage with rabies and she had to be medically evacuated for care. The next day, on their return from the hospital the couple retired to the main salon below for a much needed rest. Shortly thereafter their much loved cat bounded through one of the remaining undestroyed bug screens with a vampire bat squealing in its jaws. The cat, over-proud of its hunting ability was loathe to release the bat, even after his master grabbed him by the tail and began whirling the cat unmercifully around in tight 360 degree circles above his head, screaming obscenities. When this didn’t work the man had to grip the cats jaws tightly between his fingers and gouge down into his cheeks to force the release of the winged menace, which thankfully found an unbarred exit.

This couple is now sailing in Fiji. The cat is living happily (we assume) in Panama, in a port not far from this episode. They have not taken on additional pets and they both get regular rabies vaccines. But he still sleeps naked on deck.

We frequently dive for lobster and other tasty critters at night, which is when “bugs” as they are called in the South Pacific come out of their caves to forage. On our last charter, Jim (one of our clients) went out for a dive with Francis one evening and came back with a great tale.

Jim was swimming with his mesh lobster bag tied around his waist. With the bag slowly filling with lobster he turned his attention to a nice sized 7-11 crab (so named for the number of round spots on their carapace). 7-11 crabs have massive claws and they are very strong (and very tasty) so grabbing them has to be done with a bit of care or you will find yourself short a finger. Losing a finger in shark-infested waters at night is not a wise move. So Jim deftly grabbed a good sized crab but upon depositing the crab in his bag the crab decided to actually lock himself in- by locking down on the metal ring that closes the bag. No amount of knocking on the crab’s shell could dissuade the stubborn animal to let go, so Jim just went on about his business, leaving the crab to decide his own fate. Shortly thereafter Jim got another crab in his left hand, but upon surfacing dropped his dive light, which was in his right hand. No problem- he could see the light on the bottom and just dove down to get the light. But right next to the light was another crab! Jim knew that he was now bordering on the ridiculous, but this was too hard to pass up. So Jim grabs the light, then grabs another crab. He now has a crab in each hand and one locking himself in the bag along with a few bugs. Now things get tricky. The crab in his right hand decides to clamp down on Jim’s light. He’s already learned that once these guys clamp down that’s it- there’s no letting go. But he’s only gotten 3 bugs, not nearly enough to satisfy his lobster crazed wife Audrey, waiting impatiently back on Saoirse. He must get more lobster! So now Jim is swimming around with a crab-locked bag, a crab in one hand, another crab seized onto his dive light in the other. A difficult condition to pursue more lobster, but Jim also SWEARS the crab was trying to shine the light in his eyes! Francis, swimming nearby comes over to check on Jim and almost drowns in hysteria. Imagine a 200 lb. man swimming around with two crabs, one holding his dive light shining it in his eyes, and a bag full of bugs drifting around behind him LOOKING for more! We are insatiable. Audrey was very very happy that night.

Stories like sailors come and go. In September we’ll depart Fiji with about as much “go” as we can muster. The plan as it stands: the Solomons, northern Australia, Indonesia, Malaysia, Thailand, Sri Lanka, the Maldives and finally up through the Red Sea and into the Med by this time next year. I’m sure we’ll gather a few more worthy tales to share with listening ears. We send out many thanks to our readers for all the recent support and good humor. It goes a long way.

Nananu-i-Ra, Fiji. July 2004